I'm Not a Liberal

So Please Stop Calling Me and Sending Me Your Fund-raising Letters

In the past 2 months I have received --

4 letters from environmental groups (note: I claimed Microbiology as my major for the first 3 years of my 4-year college existence, so putting POLLUTION in bold capital letters and OZONE!!!! in italicized caps with lots of exclamation points after it does not persuade me of your claims of a global apocalypse.)

3 calls from a group against Melissa Hart (note: Though a Republican, I do not hold Melissa Hart in the same esteem as I hold Ronald Reagan, Abe Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, or John McCain. In fact, I am as excited about her re-election as I am about a trip to JoAnn Fabrics. If I receive one more call, however, telling me that Melissa Hart wants to take away my grandparents' social security checks and send my Bub and Pap, along with hundreds of thousands of other elderly citizens, to danger zones in Iraq -- presumably to drive ridiculously slow, create major traffic jams, and thereby frustrate the timing of insurgent car bombings -- then I'm going to begin actively campaigning for Melissa Hart. You'll recognize me as the guy at your door pinching his nose while asking you to vote for Melissa.)

2 calls from a group railing against "Big Oil" (note: I have a 401(k). I not only like Big Oil, I love Big Oil. Funny, I don't remember your calls railing against Big Oil when they were laying thousands of people off in the late 90s because oil was at $15 a barrel. I know -- they are ridiculously profitable right now. As a shareholder, I wish they would run their businesses more like GM and Ford have. That was sarcasm. Please quit calling. That wasn't.)

1 call from a woman with a sultry voice who dialed my number by accident. PLEASE CALL AGAIN. IMMEDIATELY!!! (just in case you have been conditioned by environmental flyers)