Blizzaro World

A watering hole for Riemannian Geometry, Kantian categorical imperatives, and the Infamous Otto. And where randomness finds order.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Living in an Perfectly Hypocritical World

Do you believe what I'm saying now or what I said 8 years ago?

If only Cheney had looked sorrowfully into the camera and said, "it's a private matter between Hillary... I mean, Harry and me. I have certainly caused pain in my marri... errrr... friendship with Hilla.... ahhh... Harry. But if Harry has forgiven me, I think the country should just move on. This is not a public matter. It's a matter between me and Hill...(cough) arry, that is.

You know, Brit, every time a President has sex with an intern in the Oval Office or a VP shoots his friend, I think the public realizes that these are purely private matters."

I realize that there isn't perfect symmetry here. Cheney's shooting incident did not disgrace the office he holds and was likely more akin to putting Gerald Ford behind the wheel of a golf cart. And ... at least not yet... Cheney hasn't committed perjury in an attempt to hide his private act.

But the reaction of the left and right is perfectly hypocritical. Republicans, who rightly saw Clinton's disgraceful indulgence with a government employee as a public act, couldn't run to a microphone fast enough to declare disingenously that the Vice President's actions were "private".

Not to be outmaneuvered in the Beltway parlor game of Hypocrisy, former Clinton apologists (the most hypocritical of all being Lady Hillary) stepped to the podium and declared dismay at the Vice President's failure to make this matter public. (In fact, he did... just in an amateurish fashion, which rightly drew criticism).

To their credit, these same Republicans and Democrats gathered on the Capitol steps on Thursday to sing A Day at the Fair's "Who You Guna Believe, Me or Your Lying Eyes".

Sunday Shorts

For the record...

* I will be rooting and voting for Taylor Hicks to win this year's American Idol. He appears humble, possesses a unique voice and stage presence (he is a cross between Ray Charles and a man with cerebral palsy), and plays a harmonica.

* I will also be rooting for Chris Daughtry, David Radford, and Becky O'Donohue (even though I do not really remember if she can sing)

* But I think Katharine McPhee will win.

* With apologies to Arrested Development fans, NBC's The Office is the best sitcom since the sixth season of Seinfeld.

* I know no one who admits to watching the Olympics (it reminds me of the days of yore when Golden Girls was a top 10 show and no one watched it).

* Given the ratings this year, maybe no one is.

* If the ratings continue to disappoint, don't be surprised if "stock car racing" becomes a Winter Olympics sport in 2010. That may seem laughable, but I'm sure racing enthusiasts would tell you that Stanley Park is perfectly shaped for just such an event. There is the problem of joggers, rollerbladers, and bikers, but if the Canadians sent in Dick Cheney as part of the advance team, I am certain that the park would be all clear for racing.

* When my 86 year-old, FDR Democrat grandmother agrees with my tax positions (-a-inheritance/death tax = 0% regardless of income if received from your parents, aunts and uncles, kids, grandparents, or great grandparents... otherwise a 20% tax on the first dollar you receive; -b- social security tax should be applied beyond to wages beyond $90,000... I don't buy the argument that people stop receiving the benefit of social security beyond that amount because that same argument can be used for income taxes... or do you really believe that Alex Rodriguez receives $25 million in government services each year? This would allow us to increase funding for social security while lowering the tax on everyone; and -c- income taxes -- should be tied to federal spending), I'm torn between thinking they are good ideas or I've lost my mind.

* I'm leaning toward "good ideas" ... but what else would a crazy man think.

Saturday, February 18, 2006

On Economics...

It's the options and dot.coms, stupid

As we all fondly recall, 1998, 1999, and 2000 saw budget surpluses -- the last two, the largest in U.S. history.

President Clinton and his acolytes crowed that it was the President's 1993 tax increases that resulted in these incredible numbers. Of course, they never did get around to explaining why it took 5 years for those tax increases to lead to the rapid tax revenue growth we saw starting in 1998 or why in 2001, before President Bush enacted his tax cuts, tax revenues were starting to decline.

Republicans took control of Congress in 1995 and claimed that the 98-'00 surpluses were the result of fiscal discipline. If it wasn't so painfully untrue, it would keep me laughing for years. Federal spending was at 1.515 trillion in 1995. In 2000, the great Republican pocketbook-minders had "shrunk" federal spending to a level of 1.789 trillion -- which, by the way, was almost exactly how much the Democrats had "shrunk" federal spending in the 5 years before the Republicans took office.

Congressional Republicans are a lot like those guys who cut back on small purchases to save for the 60" widescreen television set for their trailer home. Whereas Democrats eschew such "rich man's status symbol purchases" and instead fritter away their money on thousands of $4.50 Hallmark cards, which make them feel more egalitarian and "close to the little people".

Of course, neither are actually controlling spending (or serving the public good), and the last 5 years have laid waste to any credibility Republicans thought they had as the party of fiscal restraint -- spending a staggering 2.47 trillion in 2005. Almost doubling what the "fiscally conversative" Republican and Democratic Congresses had done in each of their previous 5 year terms.

Source for the above numbers: CBO

So how do we account for these record setting budget surpluses?

In unrelated news -- 1998-2000 -- Amazon.com's stock rose from about $15 to over $100. By 2002, Amazon.com hovered around $25 per share. Freemarkets (the company) rocketed to over $300 per share. By 2002, it was fighting to keep its head above $15 a share.

In further unrelated news, CNET.com kindly put together a Top 10 dot com busts list (just for the heck of it, I included the years of their "rise" and ultimate demise.)

1) Webvan (the people who thought using the Internet to deliver groceries was a great idea... I suspect they're currently working on a rival to Apple's fabulous iTunes -- it will be called "The 8-track Jukebox") -- (1999 - 2001)

2) Pets.com -- (1998 - 2000) (You know you have a LOUSY business model when growth on pet spending by Americans and Europeans begins to look like a chart of Anna Nicole Smith's weight in the same time period and yet you fail)

3) Kozmo.com (1998-2001)

4) Flooz.com (1998-2001) -- the geniuses who thought that people would prefer "Internet currency" to using their credit cards.

5) eToys.com (1997-2001)

6) Boo.com (1998-2000)

7) MVP.com (1999-2000)

8) Go.com (1998-2001)

9) Kibu.com (1998-2000)

10) GovWorks (1999-2000) (as we can see from the numbers above, GovDoesntWork would have likely led to a more successful (or at least truthful) business.)

Again... in unrelated news ...

The year 2000 saw individual income tax reach its highest level ever... at just over 1 trillion dolloars.

Analyses conducted by the CBO indicated that stock option exercise revenues increased from scant amounts in the early 90's to over $100 billion in 2000. (Resulting in approximately $40-45 billion in additional revenue)

Thus, we got rich in the late 90s in the same way the crack addict does who sells all of his belongings. (This is not even factoring in the falsely inflated salaries that some people received because RealBadBusinessIdea.com and GoingToGoBust.com and the Y2K scam artist companies lured away IT professionals and web designers, as well as lawyers, marketing, executives, and HR folks)

Unfortunately just like that crack addict, there comes a point when that source of temporary cash infusion (employees cashing in stock options on their company's ridiculously over-inflated stock price -- who the hell was buying Amazon.com for $100 a share or Freemarkets for over $300 a share???) dries up, and all you are left with is a greater need for a fix (or federal spending) without the cash (revenue) to support your greater crack spending habits. Unfortunately for crack users, the Chinese government is not willing to finance their crack habit by purchasing crack user securities. More unfortunately for us, the same cannot be said about U.S. government securities.

So if you are wondering why we cannot balance the budget now like we did back then, all you need to know is that now everyone knows that delivering groceries over the Internet will never work, that we have 3 60" widescreen tvs in a studio apartment, and our crack habit is as bad as ever.

Perhaps it also helps explain why I consider President Clinton neither a good President nor a bad President... but rather a mediocre, morally-flawed President with fortunate timing -- a 1990s version of Calvin Coolidge -- another man upon whom chance smiled and about whom the best one can say is that he was at the right place at the right time.

And why I think of President Bush (43) as a fiscal conservative as often as I think of Teddy Kennedy as a fiscal conservative. Indiscriminately cutting every tax in sight does not make you a fiscal conservative, it just makes you indiscriminate. Ronald Reagan - no friend of taxes -- actually raised certain taxes because in his judgment that was the only sensible way of preserving certain programs -- i.e. social security. And buying 3 60" widescreen tv sets for a studio apartment may appease you, your wife, and daughter, but it sure as heck is not the fiscally responsible (or adult) thing to do.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Proud to be from Pittsburgh

where 30,000 people show up to a pep rally and say things like...

"If it was raining and minus 5, I'd still be here," Greg Boerio said. "It doesn't matter."

I disagree, Greg. If it was -5 (and it doesn't really matter if he meant -5 Celsius, though you know he didn't) AND raining, it would matter. It would matter quite a bit!

A Penny for your Thoughts

(With thanks to a barmaid for the referral)
I was hoping I would be Martin Van Buren, as 8 is my lucky number, but perhaps this is twice as lucky. (though clearly not for Abe -- the manically-depressed, assassinated 16th President)

Find out if you are the next Rutherford B. Hayes or Zachary Taylor.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

Super Bowl Prediction

If the Colts make it to the Super Bowl, then...

there will never be an uglier quarterback to have played in the Super Bowl.

I once heard it said that the most striking thing about James Van Der Beek is that he has a head shaped like a cereal box, and I think that is an apt description of Peyton Manning.

But after some consideration, I think there is another former Hollywood star who bears more of a strinking resemblance to Peyton....




Thursday, January 05, 2006

And I was wondering...

this morning...

some time during the course of Otto Walk in the A.M., what do they do with all of these decorated-hard-and-thrown-away-bone-dry Christmas trees?

In 2002, there were almost 21 million Christmas trees cut down in the U.S. [An aside -- and equally importantly, why in the hell are we paying someone in our government to keep statistics on things like this?] So on January 3rd of 2003, where did all of those Christmas trees go? Did they all become mulch and wood chips?

And as I considered that, I wondered why you do not see gonzo greenies starting huge campaigns against the denudding of our Christmas tree forest/farms.

Think about it ... we are killing 21 million trees a year for a 2 or 3 week decorative purpose! How is that not morally objectionable to the granola-crunchin', tree-huggin', Birkenstocks-wearin' crowd?

And yet, not once, have I heard anyone implore people to save a Blue Spruce and purchase an artificial tree this year. In fact, with one exception, I haven't even heard anyone express a word of remorse for the not-so-dearly-departed Christmas trees.

I guess a kind person might say that it just shows that no matter how scientifically ignorant or logically challenged you are, you still aren't dumb enough to attack a symbol at the very heart of the Christmas season.

Since I have never professed to be kind, I think it just further demonstrates how horribly illogical and inconsistent many of the eco-maniacal positions are.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Where Art Thou Mike Brown

in case you were wondering

If, like me, you have found yourself inexplicably pondering "who will hire Mike Brown given his performance in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina," then ponder no longer.

Whispers were that Renamity in Philadelphia had hired the former FEMA director as an Events Manager. I am happy to report that these are no longer whispers. Clearly Mr. Brown is one of the new Events Manager for Renamity and his first big event was putting together the New Year's Eve bash at Le Jardin. When asked about the event, Mr. Brown said, "these parties are a breeze. It's part execution, but mostly it's about covering the details."

As to how Mr. Brown's first event came off, well, it is not my place to judge... only to report.

Blizz Footnote: In the course of searching for information about Le Jardin, my fingers and Google landed me at this site.

Now, I will not judge, but I must admit that I did begin to speculate around restaurant number 37... and was convinced of it by the time I arrived at Morton's, restaurant #61 -- that the authors of this guide to 10 Great Restaurants were not, in fact, math majors.

In fairness to the authors of this list, their list of 10 "must eat" Places in Philly contained ONLY 11 restaurants... which is 50 closer to 10 than 61 is. Perhaps they were counting to 10 in Base 7 (although, even in this generous scenario, they still landed on Saturn while shooting for Mars... which is, though, warmer than Neptune).

Saturday, December 31, 2005

I'm Not a Liberal

So Please Stop Calling Me and Sending Me Your Fund-raising Letters

In the past 2 months I have received --

4 letters from environmental groups (note: I claimed Microbiology as my major for the first 3 years of my 4-year college existence, so putting POLLUTION in bold capital letters and OZONE!!!! in italicized caps with lots of exclamation points after it does not persuade me of your claims of a global apocalypse.)

3 calls from a group against Melissa Hart (note: Though a Republican, I do not hold Melissa Hart in the same esteem as I hold Ronald Reagan, Abe Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, or John McCain. In fact, I am as excited about her re-election as I am about a trip to JoAnn Fabrics. If I receive one more call, however, telling me that Melissa Hart wants to take away my grandparents' social security checks and send my Bub and Pap, along with hundreds of thousands of other elderly citizens, to danger zones in Iraq -- presumably to drive ridiculously slow, create major traffic jams, and thereby frustrate the timing of insurgent car bombings -- then I'm going to begin actively campaigning for Melissa Hart. You'll recognize me as the guy at your door pinching his nose while asking you to vote for Melissa.)

2 calls from a group railing against "Big Oil" (note: I have a 401(k). I not only like Big Oil, I love Big Oil. Funny, I don't remember your calls railing against Big Oil when they were laying thousands of people off in the late 90s because oil was at $15 a barrel. I know -- they are ridiculously profitable right now. As a shareholder, I wish they would run their businesses more like GM and Ford have. That was sarcasm. Please quit calling. That wasn't.)

1 call from a woman with a sultry voice who dialed my number by accident. PLEASE CALL AGAIN. IMMEDIATELY!!! (just in case you have been conditioned by environmental flyers)